The Big One (Capacity Pt. 19)
I’m more of a garbage picker than a treasure hunter. I don’t expect to find anything too valuable but if you sell enough trash you can eventually buy something that’s really worth something. For me, it’s a bike. It’s a small town but I still need to get around and kind of fast. It took a lot of scrapping out there to put together the money I needed but I did it and I didn’t get caught going in those dumpsters that are off limits to the likes of a ruster like me. Now, it’s onto step number two. I think. I don’t know. I’m not much of a planner but wherever I need to get to next it’ll be a little easier now. See you later slowpokes.
For Real Though (Capacity Pt. 18)
Nobody ever believes anything I say and sometimes I don’t believe me either. I mean, how much can I trust my eyes? I wear glasses and besides I’ve become or maybe I’ve always been that family member that’s a bit off. You know, the one who’s seen too much, heard too much, been in too many odd situations. The one who has a lot of theories but not a lot of proof. Yeah, I’m that person but I’m telling you, I’ve seen some shit. I’m telling you, something is up. Some “strange things are afoot at the Circle K” kind of stuff. What if I told you death isn’t the end? What if I told you I know what those towers are for? Oh, you wouldn’t believe me. You see a high rise and I see a factory. You see apartments and offices and I see where ghosts are made just not in the way you might think. But, never mind, I’ve already said too much and besides you don’t believe me but believe this, if one day you don’t hear from me again be certain somebody somewhere heard me telling you this.
Growing Up Isn’t For Everyone (Capacity Pt. 16)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching TV, well, one thing I’m going to discuss now, it’s that growing up isn’t for everybody. I mean look at all those poor kids who just didn’t pan out as adults. Age is a bitch. That’s the truth that TV has taught me.
Ok, think about it, take your favorite cast of childstars and ask where the hell are they now? Hell, look at your yearbook and ask where the hell are they now.
But, maybe it’s not all grim, some wunderkind grow up to be quite spectacular although not necessarily in ways that they had imagined. Take for example the undisputed king of the Kaiju – Godzilla – you think he always wanted that life? No. Godzilla’s probably sitting around going, “Where the hell is my cul-de-sac under the sea?” I mean, as a little tyke, Godzilla probably just looked up and saw a gleam of light from something. It wasn’t the sun it was something else and wanted to see where the light was coming from. Then one day, some bottomfeeding bastard of a sea creature was like, “what, you’ve never seen a sub before?” And, poor Godzilla was like “no, where do those come from? Are those like sharks?” Before you know it, Godzilla gets to talking to the rays and eels and shrimp and whatnot and learns a bit about people, their technology and how to avoid nets. Godzilla also gets to hearing what the other creatures were saying like how an atomic bomb created a monster. And Godzilla is all like, “I’m not a monster and when I get bigger, I’m going to leave the sea and visit the big city. I bet they’ll love me there.” And well, you know how the story goes after that but see, growing up isn’t for everybody. Wait, being young kind of sucks too. TV hasn’t taught me shit about how to deal with anything. Fuck you TV until next week or next season or whenever the hell you have some real answers for dealing with life.
Like You Have Somewhere Else To Be (Capacity Pt. 14)
If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention but what the fuck you gonna do about it anyway? Shit, sometimes you just gotta learn how to begin again or maybe I’m letting the depression speak for me again. You know me, I’m all nullpunk and scattergoth. Lot’s to be indifferent about and even more to be sad about.
So, on days like today where nothing is worth giving a fuck about, I might as well get going. Right? Going’s always better than staying even if going is only for a day. I don’t have any real get up and go but I could go somewhere else for awhile. Stare off into space from another cafe far enough away from here. You ever daydream in a big city? It’s so much better than small town fantasizing.
I remember the last time I really hit the road. I was younger than I am today – obviously. It was long stretch of road between me and where I thought I wanted to be. You know, I just wanted to see the coast. I never saw the other ocean before so I hopped in a bus and hit the highway. Deep down I wanted to leave forever but I always knew I’d end up back here. And, so here I am wanting to get away again. You know, I’m beginning to believe the highway is really just a metaphor for something else. A very real and physical one but a metaphor nonetheless. It stands for something and I have yet to figure out what.
It’s Gotta Be Conducive (Capacity Pt. 13)
Who knows where the end is? Who knows if there is only one end or many many more than one might suppose? With so much potential, I figure it’s more worth my while to work on the means. Always focus on all the possibilities. I have fears. Lots of them. Too many to count so I have to stay ready. Or, ready-ish. I’m also kind of lazy.
Being a ruster ain’t the easiest life. It’s risky too but I know some good spots for some scraps. Can make a few bucks on spares and still have some shit left for me and whatever purposes might could possibly arise. You know, each year it gets a little harder. I’ve been doing this for long as I can remember. I’ve always been a halfass hustler. I can do anything for a little while when the mood strikes me. I think there’s a bit of mania inside me. I can be hyper when I need to be. And being broke always brings out the best in me. I’m trying to survive even if I don’t know why.
Anyway, I found this gold chain the other day if you got some loot on you or some shit to trade. I mean, you know what gold is worth these days? It’s a great conductor or looks good hanging around your neck. Your choice, fashion or function.
Gathered Up (Capacity Pt. 12)
You have to do what you think you have to do. You have to become what you haven’t been. Learn how to be while in the state of being. That is to say, so to speak, find the change while remaining the same. Right? No? Maybe. Look, I was born into a scavenger’s life. I just gotta get better at it. I need some new tricks. I need to be more of a gull than a vulture. Does that make sense?
I’ve never been in so deep. If you get down too low, you get lost.
You have any idea how much it costs to be me? Or even how much it costs to be you? Life comes with a price tag and living well only adds to the bottom line. And sometimes when the night is slow I go back to my calculations. Or sometimes I just think about the limits of the sea. I let my mind wander to the coast. Think of those birds swirling above. Think of what went below ages ago. My mind is always focused on wrecks. Where there is something broken there is something that can be fixed. Well, something that can be used to fix something else. Or at least there’s always that trash/treasure cliche. You know the one.
Not Yet (Capacity Pt. 11)
One day we will get there but that day ain’t yet.