The Big One (Capacity Pt. 19)

The Big One (Capacity Pt. 19)

I’m more of a garbage picker than a treasure hunter. I don’t expect to find anything too valuable but if you sell enough trash you can eventually buy something that’s really worth something. For me, it’s a bike. It’s a small town but I still need to get around and kind of fast. It took a lot of scrapping out there to put together the money I needed but I did it and I didn’t get caught going in those dumpsters that are off limits to the likes of a ruster like me. Now, it’s onto step number two. I think. I don’t know. I’m not much of a planner but wherever I need to get to next it’ll be a little easier now. See you later slowpokes.

For Real Though (Capacity Pt. 18)

For Real Though (Capacity Pt. 18)

Nobody ever believes anything I say and sometimes I don’t believe me either. I mean, how much can I trust my eyes? I wear glasses and besides I’ve become or maybe I’ve always been that family member that’s a bit off. You know, the one who’s seen too much, heard too much, been in too many odd situations. The one who has a lot of theories but not a lot of proof. Yeah, I’m that person but I’m telling you, I’ve seen some shit. I’m telling you, something is up. Some “strange things are afoot at the Circle K” kind of stuff. What if I told you death isn’t the end? What if I told you I know what those towers are for? Oh, you wouldn’t believe me. You see a high rise and I see a factory. You see apartments and offices and I see where ghosts are made just not in the way you might think. But, never mind, I’ve already said too much and besides you don’t believe me but believe this, if one day you don’t hear from me again be certain somebody somewhere heard me telling you this.

Growing Up Isn’t For Everyone (Capacity Pt. 16)

Growing Up Isn’t For Everyone (Capacity Pt. 16)

If there’s one thing  I’ve learned from watching TV, well, one thing I’m going to discuss now, it’s that growing up isn’t for everybody. I mean look at all those poor kids who just didn’t pan out as adults. Age is a bitch. That’s the truth that TV has taught me.

Ok, think about it, take your favorite cast of childstars and ask where the hell are they now? Hell, look at your yearbook and ask where the hell are they now.

But, maybe it’s not all grim, some wunderkind grow up to be quite spectacular although not necessarily in ways that they had imagined. Take for example the undisputed king of the Kaiju – Godzilla – you think he always wanted that life? No. Godzilla’s probably sitting around going, “Where the hell is my cul-de-sac under the sea?” I mean, as a little tyke, Godzilla probably just looked up and saw a gleam of light from something. It wasn’t the sun it was something else and wanted to see where the light was coming from. Then one day, some bottomfeeding bastard of a sea creature was like, “what, you’ve never seen a sub before?” And, poor Godzilla was like “no, where do those come from? Are those like sharks?” Before you know it, Godzilla gets to talking to the rays and eels and shrimp and whatnot and learns a bit about people, their technology and how to avoid nets. Godzilla also gets to hearing what the other creatures were saying like how an atomic bomb created a monster. And Godzilla is all like, “I’m not a monster and when I get bigger, I’m going to leave the sea and visit the big city. I bet they’ll love me there.” And well, you know how the story goes after that but see, growing up isn’t for everybody. Wait, being young kind of sucks too. TV hasn’t taught me shit about how to deal with anything. Fuck you TV until next week or next season or whenever the hell you have some real answers for dealing with life.

Like You Have Somewhere Else To Be (Capacity Pt. 14)

Like You Have Somewhere Else To Be (Capacity Pt. 14)

If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention but what the fuck you gonna do about it anyway? Shit, sometimes you just gotta learn how to begin again or maybe I’m letting the depression speak for me again. You know me, I’m all nullpunk and scattergoth. Lot’s to be indifferent about and even more to be sad about.

So, on days like today where nothing is worth giving a fuck about, I might as well get going. Right? Going’s always better than staying even if going is only for a day. I don’t have any real get up and go but I could go somewhere else for awhile. Stare off into space from another cafe far enough away from here. You ever daydream in a big city? It’s so much better than small town fantasizing.

I remember the last time I really hit the road. I was younger than I am today – obviously. It was long stretch of road between me and where I thought I wanted to be. You know, I just wanted to see the coast. I never saw the other ocean before so I hopped in a bus and hit the highway. Deep down I wanted to leave forever but I always knew I’d end up back here. And, so here I am wanting to get away again. You know, I’m beginning to believe the highway is really just a metaphor for something else. A very real and physical one but a metaphor nonetheless. It stands for something and I have yet to figure out what.

It’s Gotta Be Conducive (Capacity Pt. 13)

It’s Gotta Be Conducive (Capacity Pt. 13)

Who knows where the end is? Who knows if there is only one end or many many more than one might suppose? With so much potential, I figure it’s more worth my while to work on the means. Always focus on all the possibilities. I have fears. Lots of them. Too many to count so I have to stay ready. Or, ready-ish. I’m also kind of lazy.

Being a ruster ain’t the easiest life. It’s risky too but I know some good spots for some scraps. Can make a few bucks on spares and still have some shit left for me and whatever purposes might could possibly arise. You know, each year it gets a little harder. I’ve been doing this for long as I can remember. I’ve always been a halfass hustler. I can do anything for a little while when the mood strikes me. I think there’s a bit of mania inside me. I can be hyper when I need to be. And being broke always brings out the best in me. I’m trying to survive even if I don’t know why.

Anyway, I found this gold chain the other day if you got some loot on you or some shit to trade. I mean, you know what gold is worth these days? It’s a great  conductor or looks good hanging around your neck. Your choice, fashion or function.

Gathered Up (Capacity Pt.12)

Gathered Up (Capacity Pt. 12)

You have to do what you think you have to do. You have to become what you haven’t been. Learn how to be while in the state of being. That is to say, so to speak, find the change while remaining the same. Right? No? Maybe. Look, I was born into a scavenger’s life. I just gotta get better at it. I need some new tricks. I need to be more of a gull than a vulture. Does that make sense?

 I’ve never been in so deep. If you get down too low, you get lost.

*

You have any idea how much it costs to be me? Or even how much it costs to be you? Life comes with a price tag and living well only adds to the bottom line. And sometimes when the night is slow I go back to my calculations. Or sometimes I just think about the limits of the sea. I let my mind wander to the coast. Think of those birds swirling above. Think of what went below ages ago. My mind is always focused on wrecks. Where there is something broken there is something that can be fixed. Well, something that can be used to fix something else. Or at least there’s always that trash/treasure cliche. You know the one.

Not Yet (Capacity Pt. 11)

Not Yet (Capacity Pt. 11)

One day we will get there but that day ain’t yet.

It’s Just Like It Was Said (Capacity Pt. 8)

It’s Just Like It Was Said (Capacity Pt. 8)

Sometimes you have to sit back and listen. Those times aren’t always easy but you don’t want to miss a thing. Some things are more important than others. Some statements matter more than others.

Whenever I see a press conference I get worried. Who’s the mark? Who’s going to have to pay for it? Who’s going to feel the pain of the consequences? Every statement has consequences especially when it’s said by somebody with more money than you.

*

“We, as your city council, have everything under control. There are plans underway to control for all the possible outcomes. We have the best mathematicians and scientists hard at work on the problems. We are working with CapCorp to come up with real solutions to get us through this difficult time and we’re proud to present CapCorp Tower 2 as the first step towards turning this city around.”

*

I love building up this town but now I’m worried? Why do we need another tower? What kind of solutions are possible? And wait, is the problem that bad? Do I have more to be worried about than I thought? How long have we been going in the wrong direction? What’s the right direction? And how will another tower help?

Come Back (Capacity Pt. 6)

Come Back (Capacity Pt. 6)

It’s never easy missing somebody. Luckily, I don’t miss folks. It’s not what I do. I’ve learned better and so I do worse. Sometimes it’s easier on the old sentimentality to erase the very notion, the idea of ‘the good times.’ Fine, there was a time when I really thought I gave a care about somebody else but everything comes to an end sooner or later including caring. And besides, there’s bigger fish to fry. Look at the world we’re living in. Look at this town. How’m I supposed to think of you with this town constantly closing in around me?

*

Every once in a long while I get lonely. I’m not a complete and total robot. I still have some humanity left in me somewhere I suppose. Ha Ha. Lolz. Lmao. 😉

*

But, one time, I did give myself over to attraction. We could’ve been best friends if it wasn’t for the fact that we didn’t really like each other. We liked a lot of the same things and the desire to move and so we did move away but I came back. I think I loved home more than I loved any person. Home will always make room for me as long as there’s room to be had but people are much too selfish and so am I. Yet, sometimes I wish the one that got away would come back to make this life a bit more bearable. Two is always better than one. Two targets are always harder to hit.

When You Don’t Know Better You Do Better (Capacity Pt. 4)

When You Don’t Know Better You Do Better (Capacity Pt. 4)

When I was young I was alright. I was an okay kid. I did what you’re supposed to do and more. Why not? I was a kid and kids do stuff just because they can. It’s a kid thing, you wouldn’t understand.

But, let’s pretend that you can remember back to being a kid. Think about how different things were when you were younger. What was school like? Were you a good student? I was. I was really good. I excelled, if you will. I always did more than I needed to do. I was that kind of a kid. I just wanted not only to be the best but to be better than everybody else. I thought that kind of stuff really mattered. I thought that school in and out itself mattered but nothing matters. Ok, that’s not true something matters. I’m not a total nihilist. Maybe I’m just a halfhearted nihilist. I think a few things matter that’s why I keep talking to you. I suppose or maybe, one would suppose.

Anyway, when I was a kid, I loved to win. I won the spelling bee and got first place at the science fair. I was class president. The only thing I didn’t win were any kind of popularity contests – so to speak. For all the prizes I got, nobody really liked me and nobody really likes me now either. So, that’s sort of my thing now, I guess.

Nonetheless, let me tell you about that one time when I really excelled. I was always pretty good with math but I never cared too much about philosophy. Morals and ethics aren’t my thing. It’s all about numbers. Perhaps this makes me a utilitarian. I’m not a fan of Keynes or Adam Smith or really anybody except maybe Camus, I can get behind a fair amount of absurdity. Sisyphus makes sense to me considering the current climate of affairs. Anyway, one time back in high school, I started seriously crunching numbers as best an AP calculus kid could and I figured out what kind of potential each certain population had. That is to say, I looked at wages and production vs consumption and I really pondered where this particular town was headed with this type of leadership. I’m not one to call out the top dogs but let’s say I was pretty skeptical about their ideas. Well, the teachers liked my work well enough and my paper was widely circulated and I got some sort of plaque for math and some sort mention for my minor journalistic skills. Thing is though, I wasn’t happy about the accolades and the attention. What if I was wrong? What if I was right? What’s the next administration supposed to do? How do we fix our problems? I have no answers for that and because I don’t have any answers my victory is also a failure. I don’t like working with potential. I like working with real possibilities, probabilities. I want to see real change or let’s not talk about it.

Today, when I wake up, I know not much has changed. The town’s still the same and I’ve had the same job since college. I guess I could’ve gone on to grad school but why bother? What will I learn to help my town? All I know is, as long as I have somewhere to drink and reminisce with somebody like you, everything is alright. We can just talk about the good times. We can’t change the past. It was good or it wasn’t. And, back then when we did’t know better, we did better. We had potential. We wanted change. We liked ideas. It was great. We didn’t consider giving up. And, we didn’t really ever give up but we learned how to work within new parameters. We know how far we can shift a dialectic and not to go too far. You have to be careful about going too far. Look at what happened to Trotsky.